When Pain Disrupts Pleasure: 5 Tips in Healing Painful Sex

Written by Shannon Stoby, Pelvic Floor Therapist, Registered Physiotherapist & Expert Myofascial Release Practitioner

The first thing to know about dyspareunia, or pain with sex, is that, like so many things involving the pelvic floor, it is common but not normal. It is not something that you just have to live with forever. Regardless of whether you have had a baby, or how old you are, or what trauma you have been through, healing is possible and you deserve to feel pleasure. The nature of pleasure is that we want it now but, like all healing, it can be a journey. That being said, here are a few suggestions of things you can try for yourself—feel free to try any or all...!

1. Breathe

Through pain, we often find ourselves becoming disconnected from our bodies. As we become more disconnected, the pain often persists or perhaps even increases. It's not a fun cycle. With the pelvic floor in particular, we may have never learned to connect in the first place—and one way to reconnect is through breath. Relaxing your jaw and shoulders, place one hand on your belly below your belly button and the other hand on your upper abdomen or chest. Breathe in through your nose, and see if you can breathe all the way down into your pelvis; then exhale completely, either through your nose or your mouth. If you don't feel like you get all the way down there, no worries, it's a practice! The biggest key is allowing your awareness to follow your breath into your body and notice anywhere that you may feel tension. See if you can soften into the tension you find. Practicing in a lying position is optimal for relaxation, 3-5 minutes is great.

2. Take the pressure off

Pain with sex is usually the result of tension in the pelvic floor. Injury, stress, trauma, and any number of things can contribute to this tension, but “trying harder” is not a paradigm that is going to help in this instance. Any pressure or judgement that you put on yourself only creates more tension. Pay attention to any beliefs that come up about what you “should” be feeling or doing. Self-compassion is also a practice.

3. Self-Pleasure

It is time to ditch the taboo and lean into the shame surrounding self-pleasure, and I am recommending the practice, as it combines elements of the two previous suggestions. It helps you reconnect to your body through touch, exploring your body and your turn-on. And, with no one else in the equation, we remove any pressure to please or perform. It also helps you to experiment for yourself with what is painful and what is not, and to feel safer and more confident in your body. Not everyone is comfortable with the notion of self-pleasure, let alone the practice, but any emotions, beliefs, or awkwardness that we may feel is part of the tension, and exploring that makes space for greater healing and to make more empowered decisions about healthy ways to treat our bodies. And even if you are not comfortable with it being about arousal initially, getting to know your body through touch has value. I promise you won't go blind...!

4. Communicate with your partner

If you are currently partnered, communicating your needs and boundaries is part of the process. Our pelvic floor is intimately connected to our throat, jaw, and, ultimately, voice. Combining that with all of the constructs we have around talking about this part of our bodies, the level of vulnerability in these conversations can feel anywhere from complicated to insurmountable, but it is important. Not only so you are not just “powering through”, but because it is part of honouring your body and leaning into the tension. Sometimes we need to get a little emotionally naked, too.

5. Get your pelvic floor assessed

You had to know I was going to say it! Acknowledging the issue, seeking professional help, and having the area treated directly can be a very integral part of the healing. And, once you have that assessment, your self-care can be more tailored to you. Find a practitioner that you feel comfortable with and take that leap. This is not a journey you need to walk alone.

Pain and pleasure exist on the same plane. But, rather than thinking that your pain is in the way of your pleasure, perhaps it is just a gateway to even greater healing and even more pleasure. When we talk about healing pain and having intimacy, both require connection, vulnerability, and trust. Learning to connect to and trust your body is part of the same process in connecting to someone else. Our tension often has different layers and healing is seldom linear, but having the courage to feel the feelings, speak for ourselves, and ask for help are universal.